CCA (Cellphone Abusers Anonymous) Meeting One, Possibly the Only Meeting

thom-161Moderator–“I now call the meeting of CAA to order. I’m glad you are all here, making this decision to own your addiction and hold yourself accountable to one another. Martin…could you put your phone in the bucket, please? You know the rules.”

Martin–“But…I just got twenty hits on my blog and there’s a comment!”

Moderator–“Bill, get the dang thing out of his hand.”

Bill, a bouncer at a club, grabs Martin’s arm and wrangles with him a bit.

Moderator to Bill–“Don’t…break his..,” the phone crashes to the floor in three pieces, “…wrist.”

Martin drops to his knees as he holds his wrist and the remnants of his phone and whimpers.

Moderator–“Sorry  it had to come to this, buddy. But your defiance hurts my progress.”

Rest of Group repeats out of sync with one another–“Your. Your. Your. Defiance. Your defiance. Defiance. Hurts. Hurts. Hurts my. Defiance hurts. My progress. Progress. Hurts Progress. Progress. Yada-Yada. Progress.

Bill crawls back onto his chair.

Moderator–“Okay, we’re here to support one another. Remember. We’re not here to judge. This is a place where you can share where you’re at. Go for it.”

Bill: (Clears throat). “Yeah I ah…I sat in that crack between the toilet and the tub last night and…I texted. Twenty-six times.”

Martin whispers: “Loser.”

Tony whispers: “Girlfriend!”

Some tittering and clearing of throats.

Stan whispers with some amazement: “I could never sit in that crack. I for sure couldn’t get out if I got in.”

Tony: “In his crack?”

Moderator: “No crosstalk, Martin, Stan, Everyone.”

Martin to Bill: “You defiance hurts my progress!”

Moderator to Martin: “This is share time, buddy. Words are meant to build, not destroy.” Then, “Go on, Bill.”

Bill to Martin: “Least I didn’t bring my phone into the meeting, dude!” Bill’s pocket explodes with “Puppy Love,” by Donny Osmond. Bill crosses his arms over his lap and rocks forward, says to Moderator, “Sorry, Uncle Bob. I didn’t mean to.”

Martin stands and points at Bill, “Hypocrite!”

Tony whispers: “He’s the freakin’ nephew?”

Bill looks up at Martin, still rocking, “I didn’t know! I thought I’d left it in the car! I was rushed this morning, man. I took my sinus meds and they mess me up!”

Martin, outraged, looking from Bill to Moderator: “Excuses build bridges to nowhere! Excuses, man! Let me get his phone! I’ll rip it..!” Martin takes a step toward Bill.

Bill: “Don’t do it, man!”

Moderator: “Time out! Martin, take a seat. Bill…” Moderator stands, hand out for Bill’s phone. Bill leans back to dig the phone from his pocket.

Martin slowly takes his seat. “Oh, nice. He practically breaks my wrist and I can’t even… Nepotism. Or something.”

Moderator looking around the circle. “Anyone else?”

Several hang their heads as they move to dig phones from various hiding places on their persons.

Moderator looking amazed and angry. Last one to put his phone in the Moderator’s now full hands whispers, “We’re not here to judge.”






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